Why I Hate Driving

There is the usual list of grievances: gas prices, traffic, that blasted “check engine” light.  (Dave’s just came on again.  UGH.)  Those are all annoyances that can be stressful, but the real reason I hate driving is because I can’t escape from my thoughts when I am in the car.  I think and over think when I am driving.  I don’t even have to be alone.  The kids can be nattering all around me, but I am lost in my head.

Today’s thoughts centered around Dave’s appointment this morning.  True confession – I don’t attend all of his appointments with him.  I go to all the biggies but for the routine ones I tend to bow out.  Dave prefers it this way.  He worries that he is wasting my time by having me sit there with him and that makes him anxious.  So, to keep the peace, I go when I am needed.

This morning was a routine appointment.  His blood work was good.  There is a tumor marker (CEA) that can indicate when something is amiss.  This is the number that had elevated some and was the reason Dave had the scan in April which revealed new tumors.  Dr. Spira has told us that it is not a great test, but it is another way to keep an eye on things.  Today’s CEA was back to normal.  Great test of not, this news feels celebration worthy.

Dave told me that he asked how long this cycle of chemo would be.  He was told it could be indefinite.  My heart sank when he told me this because I had already figured that out but was trying to protect him.  Chemo is grueling no matter what, and I didn’t want Dave to have to think about it going on forever.  When we went to Hopkins they told us that stable disease would be a good thing.  That Dave’s cancer was aggressive.  So it makes sense that as long as the chemo is keeping the cancer under control that they are going to keep giving it to him.  I worry about how disheartening this kind of news can be.

Since I have been in the car a lot today, I’ve had plenty of time to refocus my thinking.  I hope that I can keep Dave in this mindset too – that as long as the chemo is working, the cancer is not growing or may even be shrinking.  There are new trials and ongoing trials which means more opportunities for him.

I know that I will be continuing to call on our village for help during those times when all of this seems frustrating or demoralizing.  Distractions are welcome!

9 thoughts on “Why I Hate Driving

  1. I can imagine that distractions are absolutely necessary. I wonder if I can help to distract in any way…?

    Stay strong, lovely friend. xxx

  2. Dearest Tremaine Family:
    After reading about your summer adventures I feel so proud that I am lucky enough to have you in my life. I wish we had had more contact after our Glasgow meeting, when I knew you were 3 very awesome kids with 2 very extraordinary parents. But what I like the best is that you don’t see yourselves that way, which makes it even more endearing. Lord, your adventures do make me laugh.
    Hope things are going well with Winston.
    My guess is he has figured out he ‘s a lucky dog. Side note: I too am encouraged by the continued chemo. They don’t throw those expensive medicines away willy nilly!
    Love you and send many positive vibes. Robyn, I’ll be in touch tomorrow so we can figure out when another get-together will work for Team Glasgow. Much love, Nanabelle

  3. Hi Robyn,
    I know exactly what you mean about hating to drive and the thoughts that fill your head and impact your heart while on the road. There have been times that I have caught myself crying alone in the car while at a stop light and then realized that someone in the car next to me was watching ; kind of awkward…… Hopefully many of your thoughts are theraputic in a good way and keep you strong as you deal with the adventures that await you after the drive!

    • oh me too – the crying and suddenly realizing that someone was looking at you. and yet i don’t think i’ve ever looked over at someone in their car while they were crying. so maybe it’s hard to see? hopefully. : ) looking forward to the 16th!!

  4. I don’t know if this will help but maybe if you drive another car? Like mine perhaps? LOL. I would let you drive it if you think that would help. I hope you don’t mind the humor, Robyn. I can’t being to image how hard it is to have any type of quiet time in your head with what you are dealing with. I will be praying for a clear mind and empty head while you are driving or just even sitting quietly. Or at least pray you have much happier thoughts for a while. Praying more for grace to get you through this battle you are fighting. Love ya friend.

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