Cancer for Dummies

Like sharing stories, passing on advice/information is another tricky area.  We have all probably read something or heard something that could potentially be helpful.  Knowing when to share it or keep it to yourself is a challenge.  My friend, Nat, sent me a press release about a newly approved colon cancer drug.  I appreciated that the information was right from the FDA horse’s mouth.  We took the information to Dave’s oncologist who let us know that it wasn’t the drug for Dave at this time.  It sure didn’t hurt to ask though.  As far as drug trial or medical advice, I like having all the information in print from a reputable source.

Dave has a colleague at work who is a cancer survivor.  She believes strongly that the water that you drink should have a certain pH.  There is an expensive machine that she purchased that filters the water to the correct level.  Dave asked his doctor about this, and they had no objection to him trying it.  So this kind and generous person brings Dave gallon jugs of water each week.  She feels like it is something she can do to help.  I appreciate this because it is something that she tried, felt was effective, and thought Dave would benefit from too.  But she also took the financial risk out of it because she is using her machine and providing Dave with the water.  I would have to say that I would have been reluctant to spend thousands of dollars on something someone who was not an expert suggested.

My friend, May, was spot on when she shared her knowledge.  One afternoon, May stopped by to drop off an absolutely delicious dinner.  I happened to mention to her that Dave is experimenting with making various smoothies containing super foods like kale.  Turns out that May has a wealth of knowledge, but she waits until she knows someone is interested to share.  The next time she stopped by she brought us some things to try (while including the ingredients list so Dave can check with his doctor to make sure there is nothing objectionable).  I so appreciated all of her suggestions and advice and how she essentially waited until she was asked for it.

We have been very lucky to have friends thinking of us and sharing their experience and knowledge.

xoxo

Robyn

Because There is More to Life

This weekend, we are celebrating the marriage of Dave’s sister, Kris, to Franck.    We are so happy that they found each other.  They are blending their families, and we are thrilled to welcome Franck and his sons, Trevor and Josh into the tribe.  Dave will be officiating so I am sure the ceremony will be both meaningful and entertaining.  We wish them many many years filled with love and happiness.

I can’t wait to spend the weekend with some of my favorite people in the world.  When family gathers together, it is always time filled with laughter, stories and memory making!

xoxo

Robyn

Highs and Lows

At the dinner table, we have a tradition in which each person tells about their highs and lows for the day.  These are mine for today.

High – That’s easy.  Dave’s scan news was good.  His tumors remain unchanged in size and number.  In other words, stable disease.  There is a possibility that some of the tumors could be scarring which would indicate they are dying.  I am so hopeful that this is what is happening.  He has two more rounds of chemo to go, and then we will discuss what the next plan of attack is.

Low – Electronic communication from school.  I got two emails from Samantha’s school saying that she was marked absent from a class.  She swears she was there, and I believe her.  The schools also send interims via email every two weeks.  So, every two weeks I get to see how many assignments Grant has failed to turn in.  I think life was less stressful when you didn’t really know what your kids were up to at school in the day-to-day!

Bonus High – It’s Wednesday.  “Mom/Grammy makes dinner” night.  Now Mom is out of town, but those of you who know her won’t be surprised to hear that she made it ahead of time so I could just heat it up tonight.  Tonight’s menu is roast beef, baby red potatoes, cucumber salad, green beans, and homemade applesauce.  She also provided pudding and/or fresh fruit for dessert.  The fresh fruit didn’t make it until tonight though.  It has already been gobbled up.  The whole family is excited about Wednesday night dinners.  We are very fortunate folks.

xoxo

Robyn

Unofficial News

Dave got an email message today that said “things look good, if you know what I mean.”  It is unofficial because it didn’t come from his doctor.  But I know we will sleep better tonight with this information.  We don’t know if “good” means nothing has changed or if it means more.  Details to come tomorrow.  Thanks for the prayers, well wishes and support!

xoxo

Robyn

Hello? Can you Hear Me?

From the first conversation, I knew that Saturday was going to be a rough day.  Saturdays before chemo weeks are hard.  Saturdays before chemo and scan weeks are the worst.  I started my day being peppered with questions about how I had handled assorted issues during the week.  None of my responses were adequate.  I kept reminding myself that Dave is anxious.  I turned the other cheek.  I remained calm.  I even identified the elephant in the room.  “I understand that you are stressed about Tuesday, but let’s try not to let it ruin the weekend.”

It was such a beautiful day that Dave asked what I wanted to do.  I mentioned that I would really like to go to the National Book Festival.  This idea was met with utter silence.  So, I came up with alternatives.  There was the Dulles Plane Pull or a multicultural festival in Reston.  But the reality is that I was frustrated.  I wanted to go to the Book Festival.  I took a deep breath and swallowed down my words.  We ended up taking the dogs to the dog park and then headed to the multicultural festival and had a great time.

For weeks, we had a dinner on the calendar.  I asked Dave to run to the store to grab something that I needed to bring with us while I took a shower.  When he got back he had hundreds of dollars of groceries and a full trunk load of bags.  Everything except the very thing I had asked him to get.  So after a day of tongue biting, repressing feelings and being understanding, I snapped.  Honestly, I told him that I felt like my thoughts, ideas and needs were completely ignored.  This went over well as you can imagine. So, Dave headed off to the dinner, and I stayed home with Parker and Grant for a marathon of Tanked.  I was sad to miss an evening that I know was full of interesting conversation, laughter and intellectual topics.  But I was relieved to have a break from the stress.

For those of you who have said I am strong, supportive, loving, giving.  I am.  Except when I am not.

Today will be a better day.

xoxo

Robyn

Scan Alert

This is a shout out to our prayer warriors, our “sending good vibes” peeps and our positive thinkers.  Dave has his next scan on Tuesday, September 25th.  Let’s keep up the good work and get great news on Wednesday!

I appreciate all the supportive responses I am reading on the blog, and I just want to reassure everyone that hope is alive and well in our house.  We truly live in a place of hope.  Wandering down the dark alley of “what ifs” would surely keep me from ever sleeping again.  So, we keep optimistic and appreciate all that you are doing from your different corners of the world.

All my love,

Robyn

Parents

Those of you who know our families know that we have an amazing support network.  Dave’s parents have been so supportive even though they live a full day’s car ride away.  They were here for both of his surgeries, paced the waiting room with me, ate bad hospital food, and did whatever they could for all of us to make life easier during those challenging times.  My parents who live twenty minutes down the parkway have been there for us in the day to day.  They have made MANY trips to the orthodontist, pediatrician, orthopedist, and dentist.  They have run errands for us, watched kids, and attended any and all kid events.

When school started back up this fall, my mom made the most generous and greatly appreciated offer.  She said she would be happy (or at least willing) to make dinner for us once a week.  We decided on Wednesdays since I work later on that day and we also tend to have evening events.  Usually I come home to a kitchen with snack dishes in the sink and general disorder.  At best I come home to a clean kitchen with an empty sink and stove.  Yesterday, my kitchen had a yummy array of food for dinner – shepherd’s pie, broccoli, a delicious salad with jicama, mandarin oranges and almonds as well as brownies and fresh fruit for dessert.  It was so nice to not have to think about dinner but to just sit down and enjoy a family meal before we rushed off to our different events.  What an incredible gift – not just the meal which we very much enjoyed, but also the gift of time.  We could enjoy a half hour of family togetherness gathered around the table.  Then Parker and Dave took Winston to puppy class, and Samantha and I went to a college event.  Dinner was the respite from the day and a chance to recharge and reconnect before we headed out again.

This morning I noticed brownie crumbs on the counter.  This is the conversation that followed between Dave and me.

Me: I can’t believe someone is eating brownies for breakfast.

Dave: Are the brownies not supposed to be eaten?

Me: No, it’s fine if they are eaten but not for breakfast.

At this point I looked over at Dave who had a plate with telltale brownie crumbs covering it which he was sliding to the side of the table.

Me: Oh.

xoxo

Robyn

It’s Where I Live

I pretty much tell everyone that will listen that I am not in denial.  I have read the percentages.  I know the odds are not in our favor.  I get how this all could go down.  But accepting those numbers seems like giving in.  I believe wholeheartedly that Dave will be one of the 10% or 20% or whatever number you want to throw out there.  There is no way he is not going to come out of this just fine.  So is this denial?  Blind optimism?  Hope?  I have no idea.  But it is how I cope and how I choose to focus my thoughts.

Occasionally, something will come along that will attempt to shake my unshakable faith that all is going to turn out exactly how I want it.  Recently, this was in the form of a questionnaire.  Dave signed us up for a “Couples Retreat for Patients with Metastatic Colon Cancer”.  When the information first came in the mail, I tossed it out thinking there was NO WAY Dave would want to attend.  Turns out I was wrong.  We have to answer some questions and bring them along the weekend of October 5th.  There are statements that you have to agree or disagree with such as “I want to make the most of our time….” or “I am uncertain about our future….”  Frankly the discussions that may serve as follow up to these statements scare the crap out of me.  I don’t want to think about any of that.  So maybe I am in denial.  But I couldn’t live anywhere else.

xoxo

Robyn

“I Love You”

Before I write anything down, I usually let a topic ping around in my head for a day or two.  I mentally brainstorm as I am sitting in traffic or before I fall asleep at night.  Sometimes I realize that I don’t have enough to say, or that it might not be all that interesting or relevant.  The idea that I was mulling over most of Saturday was the use of the words “I love you.”  

I had a basic idea of what I wanted to convey, but Saturday night cemented it.  That night we bid farewell for now to our dear friends who are about to embark on a two year adventure on the other side of the world.  As they were leaving, Lexy gave me a hug and told me she loved me.  Maybe to her it was out of habit or rote, but I was so touched.  To me it meant “We are there for you. We are going to be thinking about you even from afar.  We care about you.”  I couldn’t help but wonder where all our lives will be when we next see each other.  That simple sentence meant the world to me now more than ever.  It solidified for me how important it is to tell people how you feel.

For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid that I will lose someone, and I won’t have told them how much they mean to me.   If you know my history, you might think that this stems back to when I was 2 1/2 and I was with my birth mother and her family one day and with a completely new family the next.  But I know this is not why.  It is because of an interaction between my grandfather and my brother which I don’t remember in person, but I know the story.  So, I have always felt that it was important to tell my family that I love them as often as possible.  It has been since Dave’s diagnosis that I have realized how necessary it is to extend this past my immediate family.  After all, I love Dave’s family, my extended family and my friends too.  I don’t take the words lightly, and I never want them to be an automatic response, but I believe that they should be said.  I know how comforted and supported it makes me feel when someone I care about tells me they love me, and I hope others feel the same way too.

I love you.

Robyn

Scarlett O’Hara

I am the “bury your head in the sand” type.  If I had to pick a movie character who best personifies my personal philosophy, it would be Scarlett O’Hara.  I firmly believe in “I’ll think about that tomorrow.”  I can’t stand making phone calls to various service providers or medical billing offices, so I tend to delay as much as humanly possible.  However, what Dave’s diagnosis has done for me is give me the firm kick in the pants that I needed.

In order to prevent Dave from using unnecessary time and energy on things that I can handle, I have tried to take on most of the responsibilities around the house.  In order to make it manageable, if something is not urgent, then it will get added to the list of things to do on Tuesdays and Fridays which are my days off from work.  This satisfies both the procrastinator in me and the newly improved take charge version.

My voice is stronger than it has ever been.  My tendency is to be relatively non-confrontational.  Dave’s diagnosis has given me wings to speak more confidently and boldly when needed whether in discussion with a doctor or with someone who has asked my opinion.  However, I don’t think I will ever be the “I’m going to say it whether you like it or not” type.  That seems very self indulgent to me.

The other thing that Dave’s diagnosis has done for me is get me back teaching.  Dave and I had a good discussion after we went to Johns Hopkins for a second opinion.  He told me that it was important to him that I have my certification up to date in the chance that I would need it.  That he would feel better knowing that I could work if I had to.  So, my credentials are current, and I lucked into a fantastic teaching job.  Working part time is going to be so much better for our family this year.  STEM education is the push right now, and I feel fortunate to be getting involved when it is at its fledgling stage in our school and county.

So while cancer SUCKS in every way imaginable, it has pushed me in new directions which were much needed and long overdue.

xoxo

Robyn

PS I like to think that I am actually more like Carol Burnett’s version of Scarlett.