I pretty much tell everyone that will listen that I am not in denial. I have read the percentages. I know the odds are not in our favor. I get how this all could go down. But accepting those numbers seems like giving in. I believe wholeheartedly that Dave will be one of the 10% or 20% or whatever number you want to throw out there. There is no way he is not going to come out of this just fine. So is this denial? Blind optimism? Hope? I have no idea. But it is how I cope and how I choose to focus my thoughts.
Occasionally, something will come along that will attempt to shake my unshakable faith that all is going to turn out exactly how I want it. Recently, this was in the form of a questionnaire. Dave signed us up for a “Couples Retreat for Patients with Metastatic Colon Cancer”. When the information first came in the mail, I tossed it out thinking there was NO WAY Dave would want to attend. Turns out I was wrong. We have to answer some questions and bring them along the weekend of October 5th. There are statements that you have to agree or disagree with such as “I want to make the most of our time….” or “I am uncertain about our future….” Frankly the discussions that may serve as follow up to these statements scare the crap out of me. I don’t want to think about any of that. So maybe I am in denial. But I couldn’t live anywhere else.