From the first conversation, I knew that Saturday was going to be a rough day. Saturdays before chemo weeks are hard. Saturdays before chemo and scan weeks are the worst. I started my day being peppered with questions about how I had handled assorted issues during the week. None of my responses were adequate. I kept reminding myself that Dave is anxious. I turned the other cheek. I remained calm. I even identified the elephant in the room. “I understand that you are stressed about Tuesday, but let’s try not to let it ruin the weekend.”
It was such a beautiful day that Dave asked what I wanted to do. I mentioned that I would really like to go to the National Book Festival. This idea was met with utter silence. So, I came up with alternatives. There was the Dulles Plane Pull or a multicultural festival in Reston. But the reality is that I was frustrated. I wanted to go to the Book Festival. I took a deep breath and swallowed down my words. We ended up taking the dogs to the dog park and then headed to the multicultural festival and had a great time.
For weeks, we had a dinner on the calendar. I asked Dave to run to the store to grab something that I needed to bring with us while I took a shower. When he got back he had hundreds of dollars of groceries and a full trunk load of bags. Everything except the very thing I had asked him to get. So after a day of tongue biting, repressing feelings and being understanding, I snapped. Honestly, I told him that I felt like my thoughts, ideas and needs were completely ignored. This went over well as you can imagine. So, Dave headed off to the dinner, and I stayed home with Parker and Grant for a marathon of Tanked. I was sad to miss an evening that I know was full of interesting conversation, laughter and intellectual topics. But I was relieved to have a break from the stress.
For those of you who have said I am strong, supportive, loving, giving. I am. Except when I am not.
Today will be a better day.