Thinking about Death at a Funeral

On Monday, Dave and I went to a funeral for a close friend’s mother.  Dave was a mess.  In the twenty plus years that we have been married, it might be the only time I have seen him cry.  Funerals naturally bring out lots of thought and feelings.  Dave was emotional because he was mourning for his friend but also because he was thinking about his own mortality.  While we were waiting for the service to begin, Dave was telling me that he didn’t want any of these rituals.  I assured him that I knew he didn’t want a funeral or burial.  He commented that he thought his mom would want to have a funeral for him.  I assured him that his mom would want to honor his wishes and do whatever it is he wanted.  He nitpicked about the cards that were handed out that he thought were impersonal and not what his friend would have preferred.  He questioned how his friend was going to afford it all. I sat and listened and bit back tears and words.  He needed to get some things off his chest, and he needed me to listen.  




2 thoughts on “Thinking about Death at a Funeral

  1. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. No funeral is easy to attend and they bring up a lot of memories, emotions and thoughts for sure.
    The truth is that unless you specify otherwise, funerals are planned by and really for the
    Dad planned our Mothers and when he celebrated his heavenly birthday , we called the same funeral home(from Germany where we were both living) and asked them to duplicate what was done for our Mom.
    It wasn’t ‘t what we would have wanted but we honored their wishes.
    My Rea family is Irish and they celebrate their family with a good old Irish style party (wake ) to recall all the fun times and accomplishments of their loved ones. I think that is a positive way to remember them even though you are are also missing them.
    If someone wants to be remembered in a specific way, they should make that known as it not only honors their wishes, but relieves those still living of a million difficult decisions at a very difficult time.
    But Dave is right, it all costs money and so you do what you can afford with the best of intensions.

  2. Robyn – I really think all these decisions need to be made between you and Dave. Do what Dave would want and go with it. Give this recent funeral time and then sit down and talk it over with Dave. I know my parents planned everything out and it was such a help in the end. (even though we forgot to mention my dad’s twin sister in the obituary) Most people just want you and your family to know they all care and love you guys. The death thing is something we all face at some point in time. There is no right or wrong decision in our choices.

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