Pillow Talk

I have this theory that I call “transference”.  It is likely not an original theory, and I imagine has a much better name out there in the world.  You know when you have a song stuck in your head and can’t shake it?  If you sing that song in front of someone else, and they start to sing it, it is no longer in your head (but quite likely in theirs).  The key is that the other person has to sing the song and lock it in.  I don’t know why it works, but it does.

I believe that transference also works with stress.  Last night as I was happily drifting off to sleep, Dave told me that he was feeling anxious about his cancer.  Apparently at this last blood test, his CEA level was up to 22.  I did not know this.  While I went with him to his last appointment, the results had not yet been posted.  At some point, Dave accessed his patient information and saw it.  His scan a few weeks ago was completely stable so I reminded him that information was much more useful than the blood test.  With that he was able to fall asleep.  Meanwhile, I lay up next to him trying to figure out the lyrics for “Fishing in the Dark” which is now completely stuck in my head.  So if I sing to you later…..

xoxo (and sleepily yours),

Robyn

Facebook Tells Half the Story

ImageWhen I have a quiet moment, my mind keeps returning to the idea of the how we present ourselves to the outside world.  Facebook tells half the story.  At least for me, that is true.  My Facebook page is full of fun pictures of good times with the kids or of us on holiday.  There is the occasional political jab usually in regards to gun control or an anecdote about work.  I don’t believe I have ever talked about Dave’s cancer on Facebook mostly because my teenagers also have accounts, and it just doesn’t seem appropriate. I have a Twitter account but don’t tweet.  I have Instagram but only use it for my own photo editing.  So many ways to communicate and yet what is really being said?

Even in person we don different masks.  When someone asks how Dave is, I gauge my response depending on who is asking.  If it is someone who seems to genuinely want to hear all the details, I try to honor that.  If it is a casual inquiry, then I put on my “everything is great!” face.  With the kids (my own and my students), naturally different masks go on.  There is the “I am having a crappy day but you will never know it” or the “I am nagging you about homework when secretly I think that homework is a bunch of BS”. Recent events have me wondering how we can see beyond some of these veils.

I am thankful to have a place to take off my mask and reveal the good and the not so good.  Sometimes I wonder if I am being too honest, but mostly I am just grateful that I have this space to reveal the raw emotions that usually get hidden.  I wish everyone had a safe place in which to be 100% themselves so we could know how to take care of each other better.

xoxo

Robyn

5 Things From the Past Week

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1. PROM!  What a fun evening.  The kids all looked great.  They opted for ordering food in so they could hang out and enjoy being together.  I took Samantha and two of the guys for pedicures earlier in the day.  Then Samantha headed off to FLOW, a blow dry bar, that just opened up near us.  She came home and declared her hair “kind of like Honey Boo Boo’s”!  After prom, some of the kids headed back to our house for more food and chilling out.

2. I reapplied for my exact same job.  Since I am on a one year contract that is contingent on Title I funding, my position has to be written into the budget and approved each year.  And because I work for such a huge bureaucratic machine, there is no “one year renewal”.  They actually let me go, and then I had to reapply which means updating my resume and filling out the online application.  Seems overly complicated to be honest, but I am thankful for a job that I love.

3. A wonderful Mother’s Day.  It started with Parker and Dave doing some planting and a basket of goodies.  Then we met Mom and Dad for a yummy brunch.  I talked the girls into watching a movie with me, and they couldn’t say no because it was MY day!

4. Flash and Tony are back.  They are our red footed tortoises who winter at Dave’s school.  Now that the warm weather has finally arrived, they are back enjoying the backyard.  I wonder if they will eat the 17 year cicadas that are supposed to arrive any day now.

5. The dogs and my plant are enjoying the deck.

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xoxo

Robyn

Can I Get Back to You?

I am a planner.  There is comfort, for me, in knowing what is happening next.  We have been planning our lives around Dave’s chemo schedule for over a year now.  Knowing which weekends are “good” weekends determines greatly what events/activities we will do.  Every month, I mark the calendar for labs, doctor appointments, day 1 of chemo and day 3 of chemo.  It gives a little bit of structure in an uncertain world.

On Tuesday, we met with Dave’s oncologist, and Dave’s chemo schedule was changed from every 2 weeks to every 3 weeks.  Dave and Dr. Spira were discussing whether that would start this week (his previously scheduled time) or next week (giving him a full 3 weeks since his last infusion).  I actually interrupted and asked if we could check our calendar.  I interrupted.  And asked if we could check the calendar.  As soon as it was out of my mouth, it felt selfish and ridiculous.  I wasn’t thinking about Dave getting a bit of a break right away and an extra week to recover.  I was thinking “What will that look like 3 weeks from now?  Or 4 weeks from now?  Do we have anything planned for then?”  It’s the ugly truth.  I was concerned that Dave’s CHEMO schedule might put him on course for treatment during graduation week and what that would mean for everyone involved.  As it turns out, either way would have missed that week so I could have (and likely should have) kept quiet.

xoxo

Robyn

5 Things From Today

umbrellas-stanislav-sidorov1. Stable scan = same number of tumors, same sizes.  If we are keeping it real, which we are, this is as good as we can expect.  So, yay, for good news!  (This is me trying to be excited.  I want it all.  I want tumors to miraculously disappear.  But I am trying not to be ungrateful.)

2. Compromise.  Not a chemo break but longer between chemo infusions.  Dave will now be on a three week schedule instead of the two week schedule he has been on for the past year.  I feel much less stressed about this option, and he likes it because he has more recovery time.

3. Rain washing away the pollen.

4. Homemade chicken/gnocchi/spinach soup.

5. An oddly enjoyable walk with the dogs (not even mine but my parents’) despite the puddles and downpour.

xoxo

Robyn

5 Things From the Weekend

photo1. Celebrating Samantha’s 18th birthday. What an incredible journey it has been so far.

2. The huge dining table surrounded by 11 people laughing and talking and catching up. (And later in the weekend, a restaurant table of 15, friends old and newer.

3. Amazing, creative, funny kids.  From games invented to hilarious stories and book vs. movie debates.

4. Singing at the tops of our lungs – in the car, in the boat, in the house.

5. A traffic free ride home.

xoxo

Robyn