Pushing Back

ImageI’ve had a lot of time on my hands lately.  Dave is in Chicago with the Tremaine men, Samantha is at Beach Week, and Parker is at Grandma’s.  That leaves me and Grant.  Or to be more exact me, Grant and Grant’s friend, Sean (https://embracingtherollercoaster.wordpress.com/2013/01/26/grant-part-2).  The boys have pretty much been doing their own thing with the exception of seeing a movie with me and eating a few meals together.  That has left me with time to read and time to think.

When I started this blog, my main purpose was to have a place to share information about our cancer journey with friends and family.  It was becoming too hard to send updates or make phone calls in a timely manner.  Over the last year, the blog has also become a place for me to reflect on the good, the bad and the funny in our lives.  I have gone back and reread some of my previous posts and realized that some of the tones were not exactly what I had intended and some of the messages were not what I had originally set out to convey.  They are snapshots of what we were experiencing during those times.  From the world map that shows up on my home page, it looks like I’ve picked up some folks along the way that extends beyond our family and friends.  My hope is that something that I have written will be helpful in some way.

It is with that purpose, that I share a phenomenon that may or may not be unique to us.  From the day of diagnosis, whenever we have gotten bad news, Dave has tried to push me away.  He didn’t want me to go with him to his initial appointments.  I am stubborn though and went anyway.  He needed me to and ultimately was glad that I did.  When he had his first surgery, he kept trying to kick me out of his hospital room.  I came back anyway.  I think this happens for several reasons.  I think he is trying to protect me.  I think he is trying to protect himself (dealing with others emotions as well as your own is hard).  I think he thinks he can handle it all on his own and spare everyone else, but no one can.  In February, Dave’s CEA number was 8.  Since that time, it has slowly been creeping up.  So, it took me a while to recognize the pushing away phenomenon this time.  But I did.  And now we march forward.



3 thoughts on “Pushing Back

  1. I think you are one of the most brave women it has ever been my pleasure to know let alone be related to You truly are amazing Your insight is phenomenal and my thoughts and love are with you love
    Aunt Carolyn

  2. My thoughts and love are with you also. I don’t know how you do it, but somehow you manage to find some inner strength to keep on fighting. xxx

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