Two (Still) Impossible Weeks Later

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Two weeks before Dave died, we attended that jazz and gospel brunch. He thoroughly enjoyed the food and the company and was so sweetly proud. That was our last date, and I still can’t comprehend how quickly things changed after that day. The kids are actually doing amazingly well. They have their moments, of course, but I am apparently the only one out of the five of us who hadn’t accepted what was going to happen.

When Jeff and I were waiting for the car at the hospital, he said something to me along the lines of how surreal the feeling was – “kind of like when you bring your newborn home from the hospital”. I responded with something like “except this time you go home alone.” I do feel so alone. It doesn’t make sense. I am surrounded by my incredible kids. Yet, I feel Dave’s absence so profoundly in everything we do.

I am trying so hard not to wallow or feel sorry for myself, but it hasn’t been particularly successful so far. I’m definitely doing my best not to drag everyone else down. It is beautiful here. I have been reading, swimming with the kids, enjoying the feel of the sun soaking into my skin, and wishing so hard that he was here.

xoxo,

Robyn

16 thoughts on “Two (Still) Impossible Weeks Later

  1. You are doing just fine. Baby steps. You must accept that mourning and acceptance of it all will take as long as you need it to. This is all so very new and it all happened just so very fast. Each day your feet touch the floor, you are moving forward. Sit quietly, breath in and breath out. Let the rolling waves of the sea help to carry away some of the heaviness you bare on your shoulders and in your heart. Just breath. You are doing just fine.

  2. It is okay to feel sorry for yourself. What happened to you and your family is awful. Those feelings are all part of the grieving process.

  3. Dear Robyn,….You will feel his absence for a long long long time…Robyn you are allowed to wallow, feel sorry for yourself…look what you have lost….I know it’s so easy for all of us to say, b/c you are the one enduring all this pain and anguish…..this is all so very normal….at some point you will have to start to fight the feelings but not yet, it is waaaay too soon to…..embrace these feelings: it is as Heidi said “all part of the process”…it sucks but it’s all part of this horrible horrible process. Love to you Robyn…..Lisa

  4. Robin, I found your blog through Hollywood Housewife. Your writing is so honest and fresh. At times, reading blogs feels like an invasion of the writer’s privacy, especially at a time like this, but the bloggers I read have such unique and clear voices that I really look forward to their posts. Your story is painful, yet beautiful, and all of us will one day face some manner of death. Thanks for sharing your journey and I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Good days are ahead but, in the meantime, feel what you need to feel and take good care of yourself.

    Becky

  5. Robyn,
    You are going at the right pace and are in the right place for you. No one is able to walk in your shoes, but there are many who will be there to catch you when you feel yourself falling out of them.
    I only knew one little piece of Dave, the principal, however that one side provided enough of a glimpse of him that it is obvious he left a big impact wherever he was. The largest impact he ever had though, was with you. Your writings have shown that. Your wonderful children are evidence of it.
    Continue as you have, one step, one day, one memory at a time, because Robyn is stronger than she thought she was, braver than she knew she could ever be, and while you may feel alone, because that piece is missing, you are never truly alone and you are always loved.

  6. Four steps forward, three steps backward and sometimes you just hit a tallish wall and have to stand in place til you figure out how to get over it…..this are things my friends have said or implied as they went on this part of the ride. They all agree that the first year is the hardest as each new day brings another something that you don’t wish to deal with, didn’t see coming, or you just don’t want to be the sole decision maker. But they also agree that with each one of life’s curves in the road ,they grow in confidence that as much as much as it sucks to walk in those shoes, they begin to hurt less and less.
    Our hearts break for you, sweetheart. Of course it hits you hardest. You were suppose to have a long time to live together, parent together, have fun together, plan your future together, take care of each other and love each other in the good times and bad. It is just that the time frame you both envisioned didn’t mesh with reality and now you are thinking “This is a huge job for two; how am I supposed to do it alone”? I think the answer is you can. Just take a deep breath, see each task as doable even if it has to be broken down into smaller pieces, do the best you can and NEVER forget that each of us who truly love you and the kids are your biggest cheerleaders. We will always be there to help shoulder your fears and worries and help you deal with each fork in the bumpy road whenever you need us and sometimes when you think you don’t, but our help will always come with the best of intentions. xoxo to you all, Mom and Dad

  7. Hi Robin,
    I came to your blog late, through ‘Hollywood Housewife’ and I was touched by your love story. I want to say first of all how sorry I am for your loss. I usually do not comment on blogs, but you said one thing that made me feel compelled to write to you.
    You said you were trying hard not to feel sorry for yourself? Why? Why shouldn’t you? There is no shame in feeling sorry for yourself, wallow in it. It is part of the process. I feel the worst words in the English language are, ‘it could be worse’ sure it could be but isn’t this bad enough? You have enough sadness right now without adding the guilt you have for feeling sad. Pease give yourself permission to be sad and just sad. It will also help you be a roll model for your children of dealing with emotions in a healthy way.
    I think I could have phrased this more eloquently, but I think you get the just of what I am saying.

    Jen

  8. Death of a loved one is never an easy thing. It will take time. You are allowed to have grief and feelings of sorrow. Being strong does not mean holding all in side acting like everything’s OK when it is not. Things are not ok. You lost your husband and u are left with the kids to carry on with life. You are mother and father now. A role u did not expect to have but that finds u right here and right now. Please take time for you, Robyn. Time for u grieve and heal. When you are ready you might want to look at going to this website if u have not already, “Haven of Fairfax . With school being out for the summer, this would be a good time to attend one of their six week bereavement group. Put the oxygen mask on you so u can help the kids. This rollercoaster ride is not finished. I am holding you and your kids in prayer and see u surrounded in peace and love. Jayron

  9. P.S. the rollercoaster ride is not finished just because Dave got off the ride two weeks ago. I tell you one thing he would say to u, “It has been a heck of a ride and wish I could have stayed on this ride with you longer. I love and the kids. I will always be with you and the kids. I will always live on in your heart, mind and soul as you continue. I live through memories. You take a piece of me whever you go. Love and take care of each other”. . with a grin on his face.

  10. It’s okay to feel the hole in your heart as you carry on. It isn’t meant to heal, you carry it with you always. It represents all that you’ve lost. You get used to it and the pain becomes less visceral. You don’t know me, but I know your pain and have lived through it with my 38 year mom. Your husband taught my son at Luther Jackson and it was a great fit for my son.
    I’ve been following your entries, they have brought back many memories of losing my dad at fifteen, helping my mom through the same impossible experience by listening to many of same sentiments you’ve expressed. Allow yourself to feel all that you are feeling and keep expressing yourself. I’ll keep following and Ill keep you and your family in my thoughts. I can tell that you will make it. I think you are managing very well.

  11. You are doing an amazing job . Be gentle on yourself , I know its a cliche but just take one step at a time , one hour at a time , one day at a time. Embrace his memories , cry , rest , eat , sleep indulge yourself you need it. Accept any help from friends and family that you can get . They want to do things for you, let them. Talk about Dave to anyone that will listen ,( for me that was and still is very healing after my husband died of cancer). Sandra xx

  12. I’m sure I speak for everyone whose lives you have touched that we wish we could remove all of your hurt and leave only the joy and love. But unfortunately those things are sometimes intertwined. As you walk this new path in life, know that your friends, family and even acquaintances would jump in without hesitation,at a moments notice to catch you should you stumble or fall.

  13. Just a reminder that you don’t need to be hard on yourself about your feeling such a deep loss. You have much healing to do and it takes time. So glad you are relaxing in the sun and taking some time for yourself. Relish the wonderful love that you had (So many people never experience that!) and let it help carry you through this very tough time.

  14. From reading many of your mom’s words on this blog, I can tell she is a wise and lovely person and a very special mom to you, Robyn. I love how she has worded her thoughts and given you gentle advice wrapped in encouragement. The photo you chose to include on this post is perfect. I can picture you looking out the window with thoughts and memories coming like waves over you. Sitting on an ocean beach has always made me feel somewhat small and overwhelmed because of the vastness of the water. Praying for you as you walk through these days and these moments…. ~ Theresa

  15. We are blown away by your comments. We know that there is an ache in your heart that probably will never go away because of your profound love for Dave. God definitely has a way of easing your pain. Put all of your love and trust in him. Just ask the Savior to help you., comfort, strengthen and keep you, he is willing to aid you, he will carry you through. We also would like to invite you to Antioch Baptist Church. Please call me at 703-303-0033. Love you and blessings. Jean and Jim Jones

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