15 Weeks Later – Alone

We spent the weekend at CNU visiting Sam for Family Weekend.  It was great to see her and spend time together but also challenging too.  She has a life and schedule there that have nothing to do with us so I tried to be mindful of her time while also secretly wanting her to pick us.  But we can’t compete with a fun party, can we?  She’s 19.  I understand, and I remember.

We talked about Dave a lot over the weekend.  After all, he was just there with us this time last year.  We found a dive-y greasy spoon place for breakfast and all commented immediately on how much he would have loved it there.  Music on the Bluetooth made us think of him.  Drifit shirts in the school shop made us think of him.  Our memories were shared almost entirely with smiles though so that’s progress.

Last night as I was lying in my bed, I looked up and stared into his closet with its partially open doors.  Tee shirts are stacked and orange button downs are hanging neatly.  And I felt so alone.  I AM alone.  It is just me.  I am not going to say that I am okay with it.  I don’t really have a choice.

I go out with friends regularly.  Some weeks probably too much.  My family checks in on me, and Mom and Dad have been there whenever and wherever needed.  There is nothing that anyone can do to fill the gap.  It is the shared history.  The jokes.  The looks that meant something that only we knew.  It is the shared parenting and decision making.  And even the shared stress.  Throughout Dave’s journey with cancer, we were us, fighting it together.  He turned to me on that last Saturday night and said he didn’t want to be alone.  And I said, “of course.”  So, I slept on the couch and he slept in his chair and I slipped my hand into his.

This past week I dealt with the water main break, finishing touches on the roof replacement job, hired a guy to replace the fence, and worked on Dave’s party.  It’s not that I can’t handle things on my own.  It all would have just been so much better and less stressful and more fun if he was here.  Who knew that work would be a pleasant escape?

I am muddling through.  Some days are more successful than others.  I have a little chalkboard of things that need to be done which is separate from the calendar of things that need to be done TODAY.  I’ve checked some things off and added some new items.  It will all get done eventually.  Or it won’t.  I guess it’s up to me.




6 thoughts on “15 Weeks Later – Alone

  1. Robyn, hang in there- ONE DAY at a TIME!

    A group of us (24 guys to be exact) play in a tournament the first Friday of October. It is a lot of fun for us and we charge each guy enough to contribute $2,500 to an important charity of our choice. Last year we contributed to Kristi’s Christmas in Springfield. This year, we would love to donate the contributions to you and the children. I believe you have an educational fund for the kids and we again would be honored to get our contribution to you! Can you tell me how I can most conveniently get this to you? We are playing Friday and everyone comes equipped with cash or check. I will collect the money and write you a check. Please contact me at 202 802 5022 or email me at chuck.arnone@yahoo.com

  2. Reading Chuck’s comment above is so encouraging. Dave’s love for life and for you all is continuing on this earth through the people touched by your family somehow. Thank you for sharing some of your memories of moments with your husband, Robyn. It’s a reminder to me…a wake-up call of the little actions of life that oftentimes mean the most. Ummm…and about Grant’s chalkboard being empty…. Hope there’s something on there by now. 🙂 I’d like to stop by one day soon if that’s okay. Each time I drive on Glade (which is practically every day), you come to my mind. *hug*

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