We spent the weekend at CNU visiting Sam for Family Weekend. It was great to see her and spend time together but also challenging too. She has a life and schedule there that have nothing to do with us so I tried to be mindful of her time while also secretly wanting her to pick us. But we can’t compete with a fun party, can we? She’s 19. I understand, and I remember.
We talked about Dave a lot over the weekend. After all, he was just there with us this time last year. We found a dive-y greasy spoon place for breakfast and all commented immediately on how much he would have loved it there. Music on the Bluetooth made us think of him. Drifit shirts in the school shop made us think of him. Our memories were shared almost entirely with smiles though so that’s progress.
Last night as I was lying in my bed, I looked up and stared into his closet with its partially open doors. Tee shirts are stacked and orange button downs are hanging neatly. And I felt so alone. I AM alone. It is just me. I am not going to say that I am okay with it. I don’t really have a choice.
I go out with friends regularly. Some weeks probably too much. My family checks in on me, and Mom and Dad have been there whenever and wherever needed. There is nothing that anyone can do to fill the gap. It is the shared history. The jokes. The looks that meant something that only we knew. It is the shared parenting and decision making. And even the shared stress. Throughout Dave’s journey with cancer, we were us, fighting it together. He turned to me on that last Saturday night and said he didn’t want to be alone. And I said, “of course.” So, I slept on the couch and he slept in his chair and I slipped my hand into his.
This past week I dealt with the water main break, finishing touches on the roof replacement job, hired a guy to replace the fence, and worked on Dave’s party. It’s not that I can’t handle things on my own. It all would have just been so much better and less stressful and more fun if he was here. Who knew that work would be a pleasant escape?
I am muddling through. Some days are more successful than others. I have a little chalkboard of things that need to be done which is separate from the calendar of things that need to be done TODAY. I’ve checked some things off and added some new items. It will all get done eventually. Or it won’t. I guess it’s up to me.