I seriously debated whether or not to press “publish” on this one and thought this might be best left written but unshared. Then I decided that I have been brutally honest before so why stop now. I know that generally people just want to hear that we are okay. And generally we are, but I have my moments. My standard disclaimer that nothing in here is addressed towards anyone in particular applies.

About a month ago, I met three of my high school friends for dinner. I think we were together for over five hours catching up, laughing, sharing stories. One of my friends, Christy, made a comment about the strength that I have shown during the last months. I half-jokingly replied, “It is all bullshit.”

It is not that I don’t think that I am strong. I just feel that I don’t really have a choice. I have said it before, when you have kids you don’t get the option of just curling up in a ball and staying there. I have confided in a few people that I am worried that my spectacular meltdown, which I have managed to avoid these last four plus months, is going to happen on or around the party. I have never had a good poker face. My feelings are written all over my face.

My emotions have been all over the place with this party planning. On the one hand, I have hired out almost every aspect of it so as not to feel overly stressed. On the other hand, that is not without its own set of tasks and stressors either. I get to celebrate the life of my incredible man with 400+ others which is amazing. But in the same vein, I am having a party for someone who will never again walk through the door and be in my day to day life, which is devastating. I have both smiled and bristled at messages from people saying they “can’t wait” or are “looking forward to” the event. I’ve said these things myself.

My time has been occupied with this party, work, the kids, and general day to day tasks. Occasionally someone will ask me to do something extra, a favor. And I kid you not when I say that there are times that I want to look them in the eye and say, “Are you kidding me? You are asking me for a favor? Do you not remember that I am a widow and a single mom? Do you think your problem is bigger than mine?” I know. SO uncharitable and awful. I never say it. But I do think it. And generally, if it is reasonable and I can help, I do. When I stop to think about the anger and frustration this bubbles to the surface, I realize that my life is a careful balance. I have taken on what I think that I can handle. Anything else, no matter how tiny, feels like it is going to tip the scale and send everything else tumbling. It won’t, of course. But that is how I feel, and how I live.

I am sure that as time goes on I won’t live in a state of continual breath holding. Small things won’t send me in to a tailspin. I will remember what it is like to fully relax. Maybe having this party and celebrating Dave will be the first step in moving forward. I’m not sure.



8 thoughts on “BS

  1. I read it once that with grief, the worst takes its time to come, and then to pass, or something like that. I only bring it up because what you said about worrying about when your meltdown will be. I think it is a slow build because you do have to keep moving forward, with kids, with work, etc. And so those moments when nothing else is going on and all of your mind is on Dave sort of build up over time. It only make sense that you will reach your limit at some point.

    You may think it is all BS and you have no choice, but that is far from true. Your response to people, even those who are not thinking about their actions or response, is a perfect example of the choices you have made and I am sure you will continue to make.

    • thank you, candice. i think that you are right. i guess when this party if over and i have a bit more time on my hands, i will probably have to deal with the emotions that have been pushed to the back burner. or i will just find something else to keep me busy and delay it for a while longer…

  2. I thought you should know that while I do not know your family, we had a very similar loss this year and your blog has provided invaluable insight. When you share your feelings or how this process is playing out for you and your family, it has been incredibly helpful for a stranger, across the country who is doing their best to support a widowed sister-in-law and her children. I wish you continued strength to get through “just one more day” and continue to keep you and your children in my thoughts. Thank you.

    • laura,
      i have been completely slack about responding to comments but yours compelled me to log on and do so. i am so sorry to hear about your sister-in-law but i am glad that she has you to help and support her while dealing with your own loss. i am glad to hear that in some small way, my words are helpful. thank you for taking the time to leave a message. it really means a lot.

  3. Robyn, I worked with Dave at Falls Church and throughout his time at Hayfield remained in touch. I feel compelled to ask if there is anything I can do to help you for Friday? Whatever you need. I work at West Potomac HS, Do not hesitate to ask.

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