What Lies Beneath

From the outside, I’d say it looks like we are doing well.  The kids are happy and busy.  They are fully immersed in swim and school and extracurriculars and friends.  I am working and socializing and appear to have my act together.  The cheery facade hides the truth beneath.  This Christmas season is rough.  Every where I turn, there is a reminder of holidays past.  In each quiet moment there is a memory that weighs heavy in my heart.

A wise person advised that the first year after you lose a loved one you think about the person they had become and then after that time you are able to focus on the person they actually were.  I look forward to that.  When I am alone, snapshots of assorted times pop into my head – the raw grief of my children at the candlelight vigil, Dave apologizing for leaving me behind, Dave telling me he was scared.  The memories break my heart.  And I can’t help but think about how hard we worked to keep him around as long as possible.  And I still can’t wrap my mind around him being gone.

When you have spent nearly every day of your adult life with the same person, almost everything is a trigger.  Music is especially powerful since it served as the background to our lives together. But it is also Christmas shows and silly phrases and the glimpse of someone who bears a resemblance.  It’s favorite meals and old movies and board games. It is his place at the table or knowing what he would say.  It is knowing how proud he would be of our kids and wishing he was here to share in all the blessings we have in our lives.

I appreciate people reaching out and supporting us with their kind words and love.  I appreciate you trying to make us feel better.  But sometimes I think you just have to let all the emotions simmer – even the tough ones.   To honor.  To remember.  To grieve.  To heal.


4 thoughts on “What Lies Beneath

  1. I am not sure if “time heals all wounds” or one just learns to accept the scar it left behind and keep moving forward. Although the scar will always be there it will fade in time; but when you see it, cherished memories will come to mind to warm your heart!
    What I see with you and the kids is that you are all finding something each day to hang on to as you keep moving forward to what will be your new normal. I don’t think one can expect more than that and as you all have continually done throughout this experience, you give the rest of us role models to follow and show us what real courage is all about.

    There is no real time table, so continue to take it one day at a time, giving it your best shot and finding some fun and laughter in each day as Dave wished. We love you and wish we could be more helpful. Just know we are here and praying each day gets a little bit easier for all the Tremaines. Hugs, Mom and Dad, Pam and Paul

  2. The hurt hits like a sucker punch sometimes when you least expect it, so now I kind of expect it and let it out. I do take every opportunity to tell my friends what a special guy he was and how special his wife and kids are. Keep on keeping on. Love, Ann

  3. With the kind of love that you and Dave shared, I don’t think the pain ever goes away… I hope it will ease the passage of time…but “I think” trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse….This is all still very fresh and the holidays may trigger an emotional wallop …Just one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, even one second at a time….Prayers for you and the kids always…..Lisa

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