I spent some time this morning torturing myself by listening to old voicemails and reading through texts. Most of the texts were your run of the mill check ins, love yous, and kid logistics. Back in April, we had a very big disagreement about a puppy and that shows up through text. Dave felt awful. And I was pretty tough on him but nothing overly bad. My treasured voicemail is one from the end of May. He was on his way home from Chicago and he ends with “I can’t wait to see you. I love you.” I don’t think that I will ever be able to upgrade my phone for that message alone. And hearing his voice. I miss that.
I suppose I did this in an attempt to feel connected to him. Or to look for anything that I might have missed. I am not sure. I have a friend who is walking a very difficult path with her husband right now. He is fighting hard, I know, to have more time with her and their daughter. I guess it takes me back to those final days and even weeks with Dave. I suggested/advised today that no matter what happens, she will look back at this time and critique her every word and action. And I hoped she would be kind and forgiving to herself. It is advice that I have had to give myself on many occasions when I start to think “I wonder..or what if…”
I am not sure what I was looking for in those communications with Dave. If it was assurance of his love, I found it. If it was a reminder of our life together, that was there. It didn’t answer any earth shattering questions. But it did spark memories of his voice, his nicknames for me, his tried and true one liners. I miss him.