The Little Things

I thought I should check in since it has been a while.  To be honest, I haven’t had too much original to say.  How many times do you want to read that we still miss Dave, we still struggle with the circumstances, that life just isn’t the same?

Life goes on.  We are busy with all the normal things – work, school, activities, friends, a bit of travel.  As we hit the nine month mark, the last time we saw him is starting to feel pretty far away.  Sometimes I find myself mulling over our lives together as a whole.  Times that were memorable for good or for not so good, decisions that were made, outcomes.  I usually come to the same conclusion – it might not have been a perfectly paved road but we followed the path that we were supposed to in order to get us to this place in time.  Our kids are thriving.  Emotionally we are all doing as well as we can.  We are healthy.  We have the things we need and a lot of the stuff we want.  I have learned, I think, for the first time in my forty something years to completely rely on myself.  To trust my decision making.  To be bold.  At times, to be fearless.

With all that said, I would totally go back and change the hands of fate, if I could.  You know I would.

We have navigated through most of the big moments that happen in a year – birthdays, holidays, life moments.  I have truly realized that those are not the toughest moments.  I think the toughest moments happen when you are not expecting them and are found in the every day.

It is finding a restaurant and knowing how much he would have loved the menu of catfish and clam strips and gator tail bites.  How much he would have loved that it was a no frills place and a total dive really.

It is standing in the middle of Wegmans and thinking about how he could make grocery shopping an outing.  We would eat dinner there and he would always outspend the rest of us, sometimes by double, on overpriced prepared foods.  He loved to mull over the beer selection.  And fruit.  Boy, did that man love fruit.

It is thinking about how indescribably proud he would be that Parker is the cowardly lion this year.  Dave loved theater especially musicals.  All of the kids have participated in one way or another.  He would be out of his mind happy and excited for her.

It is not being able to find a pair of scissors.  He probably bought dozens of pairs because they always seemed to disappear.  Or it’s stumbling across a pair of scissors in the most unlikely place.

It is the upcoming March Madness.  We had our own tournament every single year.  Just the two of us.  I think I can count on two to three fingers the number of times he won.  He knew too much about the teams and had favorites.  I would just look at the bracket and make a wild stab at it.  There was so much teasing and smack talk going on during the first week.  Usually he was numerically eliminated well before the great eight or the final four.

I am not sure how much longer I will keep this blog going.  I really started it as a way to efficiently keep people up to date on Dave’s health and treatments.  I appreciate people continuing the check in.  I have a few more things to share – we are reading scholarship applications now, June will mark the one year mark, and we may scatter some of his ashes this summer.  I imagine that I will use this space as a way to express my feelings and share when those event occur.  In the meantime, thanks for keeping us in your thoughts.