I think there are times when you don’t fully realize how stressed you were until you come through on the other side. I slept 22 hours out of 48 afterwards, if that tells you anything.
I kept my focus outward – on people, events, to-dos. And I think that kept me from going down the rabbit hole of “what ifs”.
The long story short is this – Samantha has been dealing with chronic hip pain for year(s) now. In February, she slipped on the ice, and although she never fell and hit the ground she did twist and turn to prevent herself from doing so. We assumed that she had tweaked the existing condition in her hip. The pain subsided although it was always there. She went on with the life of a college student.
Towards the end of March she called me in severe and debilitating pain. I urged her to go see a local orthopedist. He sent her for a CT scan to make sure that there wasn’t a small fracture that x-ray wasn’t picking up. I went down for her follow up appointment where the doctor didn’t seem overly concerned but did note that the radiologist had mentioned a possible solid soft tissue mass. A repeat MRI with contrast was ordered. The results of this were that they still didn’t know what they were looking at but it ranged in possibilities from nothing much to osteosarcoma. You can imagine what a trigger that was for both of us.
The recommendation was that she have a biopsy done by an orthopedic oncologist. Last week with met with a doctor in Washington DC. He felt from looking at her MRI that a biopsy was necessary for his diagnosis of “neoplasm of unspecified nature of bone, soft tissue and skin”. (The only time that stress REALLY reared its ugly head was, while waiting in the exam room, Sam and I argued about the way Dave and I handled sharing his diagnosis information. But that is a story for another day.)
She had the biopsy done on Thursday. We had to be at the hospital early and spent the waiting time like we tend to do – laughing, making fun of people, quoting Family Guy. The nurse actually came over and commented about all the laughter. It’s how we cope. Dave and I spent our fair share of time laughing over ridiculous things too to suppress the nerves.
The Interventional Radiologist came out and spoke to me afterwards. He said he felt a lot better after looking at the CT scan compared to how he felt looking at the MRI and that he was 95% certain that it was benign. We will get the pathology results back next week. I felt my blood pressure lower as he spoke. I never really believed there was anything terrible wrong and even the possibility of it was too much to imagine or bear. So, I didn’t. Or at least I thought I didn’t.
It is Mother’s Day, and I sit here thinking about what we do as moms –
We jump in the car and drive to be with our kids when they need us.
We cover our own feelings in order to protect theirs.
We worry in secret while outwardly putting on a brave face.
We don’t eat after midnight on the day of the procedure out of solidarity.
I can’t imagine life any other way.