Today I had lunch with a friend whose husband passed away from colon cancer not too long after Dave. We talked about lots of different things, but when she was reflecting back on the end of her husband’s life, I was reminded of how much those who are left behind deal with. There are lots of memories. Many of them are good but the ones at the end are so painful. There is regret and shock still at how it all went down. There is questioning – did we do all the things that we should have when we should have. It’s a lot to bear some days.
Every day I am another step further away from the last time that I held Dave’s hand and promised him that I wouldn’t leave his side. We are getting ever closer to the two year mark, and I have to wonder if I am as far along as I should be in this whole being a widow thing. I think that if I graphed my moods over the course of two year’s worth of blog entries, it would probably resemble an EKG readout – lots of ups and downs.
I know women who have been through similar losses. Some have gone back to school and others have changed jobs. Some have moved and others have remarried. I have thought about changing jobs or getting another degree. I have considered dating or moving somewhere else. But none of my thoughts have actually turned into completed milestones. I wonder if I shouldn’t be ahead of where I am. Are they more tenacious? Braver?
I went shopping for new bedroom furniture but only ended up buying a new dresser for Parker. What allows others to charge forward when I haven’t even sorted through Dave’s clothes? All in good time, I suppose, but I feel that 2 year anniversary looming.