This morning I read a post written by Patton Oswalt whose wife died unexpectedly a few months ago. https://www.facebook.com/pattonoswalt/?fref=ts In my opinion, it sounds like he is holding he own. 102 days in. All things considered.
Grief is unique. If you have been fortunate enough not to have had grief lodge itself into your life, then no amount of explanation can do it justice. (It’s like when people try to tell expectant parents how tired they will be. There is no way you really get it until you live it.) Grief is certainly not linear. It does not follow the whole denial, anger, blah blah blah path. Grief settles around you like a thick blanket of fog. There can be breaks of sunlight but for the most part, it just hangs around. Imagine Charlie Brown and his personal rain cloud.
Suddenly this summer, I realized that the fog had lifted a bit. That is not to say that I don’t miss Dave all the time. Or that I don’t think about him and connect him to every event, extraordinary and workaday. But I felt a lightness in my mood that I had not experienced in a very long time. I still have my moments of sadness, of course. However, this lightening has allowed me to be more productive, laugh more, and look toward the future.
I am slowly checking off some to-do list items that have been nagging at me for years. Christmas cards have been sent in July. All of the common areas of the house have been sorted into donate, throw away, and keep. Starting the school year having translated some of my good intentions into actions will be a relief. My list hasn’t been entirely crossed off. Dave’s clothes still sit in his dresser and closet. I want to have t-shirt quilts made for the kids. I need to have some renovations done to the house. I don’t have any timelines for myself. It will get done.
In the meantime, I am going to enjoy these last weeks of summer with my kids. Sam returns from her internship on Friday, and we head to the beach this weekend. Upon our return, Parker heads off to Camp Kesem while the rest of us prepare for the college move ins. Come August 21st, it is going to be pretty quiet around here. I tried to get tickets to Phantom for Parker and me on my birthday but unfortunately it leaves town the 20th. It’s okay. We will figure something out. Possibilities.