Parker and I have been having a relaxing stay cation this Spring Break. We’ve explored some local areas, done the hair and nails things, and even taken in a show at the Kennedy Center. On the less fun front, we’ve weeded and mowed and cleaned and organized. And because a solo festival and a couple of auditions are on the horizon, Parker has had several oboe lessons. It’s been fun spending time with my youngest, but it has been hard at times to be home. I think that is why we have done so much traveling over the last almost three years. Being away from home means not getting caught up in memories. There really isn’t anything that we do near home that wasn’t done before with Dave – well, maybe the hair and nails.
One of my biggest challenges mentally and emotionally is not allowing myself to go too deep down the rabbit hole of the past. There is a feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach when we are heading somewhere we’ve been before as a family. I have yet to get to the stage where I can just look back on the time fondly. There is always a tinge of melancholy, and I have to fight to keep it in check. It takes acknowledgement and effort.
By far my biggest challenge in this only parent life is when something is going on with one of the kids. I’ve talked about how I wish I could tell Dave the great things, but I also miss having another pair of shoulders to bear the load. Sam put all of her hopes into one graduate school program. It was an incredible opportunity and seemed within reach. In the end though, the opportunity was offered to another. She has been frustrated and sad and anxious and stressed. We’ve talked. I’ve listened. I’ve tried to offer support and advice, but it can be tiring. I wish there was someone else to take a turn. I wish that I could turn to Dave and talk to him about how sad and disappointed I am for her. I wouldn’t trade my relationship with Sam for anything in the world. I love that she knows that she can always come to me and share anything with me. And I know Dave would have offered other much needed words of support and wisdom and understanding to both of us.
I keep telling Sam that I think that things happen for a reason and that you can’t always see it in the moment but usually can once you get to where you are supposed to be. I’m holding onto that hope for both of us.