I am a planner. There is comfort, for me, in knowing what is happening next. We have been planning our lives around Dave’s chemo schedule for over a year now. Knowing which weekends are “good” weekends determines greatly what events/activities we will do. Every month, I mark the calendar for labs, doctor appointments, day 1 of chemo and day 3 of chemo. It gives a little bit of structure in an uncertain world.
On Tuesday, we met with Dave’s oncologist, and Dave’s chemo schedule was changed from every 2 weeks to every 3 weeks. Dave and Dr. Spira were discussing whether that would start this week (his previously scheduled time) or next week (giving him a full 3 weeks since his last infusion). I actually interrupted and asked if we could check our calendar. I interrupted. And asked if we could check the calendar. As soon as it was out of my mouth, it felt selfish and ridiculous. I wasn’t thinking about Dave getting a bit of a break right away and an extra week to recover. I was thinking “What will that look like 3 weeks from now? Or 4 weeks from now? Do we have anything planned for then?” It’s the ugly truth. I was concerned that Dave’s CHEMO schedule might put him on course for treatment during graduation week and what that would mean for everyone involved. As it turns out, either way would have missed that week so I could have (and likely should have) kept quiet.